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In this chapter we offer some thoughts regarding enjoying revelatory experiences in marriage and family relationships, including across multiple generations (for example, between grandparents and grandchildren).

Seeking and Receiving All the Best Spiritual Gifts

Revelatory experiences involve communing with the Father, in the name of the Son, by the power of the Holy Spirit. Each of us has spiritual gifts that can help facilitate this communion (see Doctrine and Covenants 46:9–12). Further, our spiritual gifts can assist us in fulfilling whatever the Lord might call us to do based on our revelatory experiences.

The Lord revealed important principles on spiritual gifts to the Prophet Joseph Smith, which are recorded in Doctrine and Covenants section 46. These principles can help us as we seek to enjoy personal and interpersonal revelatory experiences in a home and family setting. On seeking spiritual gifts the Lord taught, “Wherefore, beware lest ye are deceived; and that you may not be deceived seek ye earnestly the best gifts, always remembering for what they are given” (Doctrine and Covenants 46:8; emphasis added). The fact that spiritual gifts from the Lord can help us avoid deception is comforting. Today inaccurate information prevails in our information-overloaded world, where false and inadequately contextualized information abounds about every subject imaginable, including the restored gospel and the Church. That the Lord uses the phrase “best gifts” in referring to spiritual gifts and commands us not just to seek them but to seek them earnestly suggests that we should devote great attention to seeking spiritual gifts such as faith, knowledge, wisdom, and healing (of body, spirit, mind, heart, and relationships).

About these “best gifts” the Lord then says, “For verily I say unto you, they are given for the benefit of those who love me and keep all my commandments, and him that seeketh so to do; that all may be benefited that seek or that ask of me” (Doctrine and Covenants 46:9). Note that it does not say that these best gifts are available only to those who keep all the commandments; rather, they are also for the benefit of those who seek to keep them. That the Lord states that all who seek and ask for these gifts “may be benefited” is a clear sign of God’s abundant love, overflowing kindness, and abiding mercy for all His children. Perfection is not required to obtain these spiritual gifts nor to benefit from them—but effort and intent are.

The divine pattern of teaching by repeating important ideas is manifest in the next three verses:

And again, verily I say unto you, I would that ye should always remember, and always retain in your minds what those gifts are, that are given unto the church.

For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God.

To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby. (Doctrine and Covenants 46:10–12; emphasis added)

When the Lord desires that we “always remember” and “always retain” something in our minds, it likely is something of great importance. He desires that we always remember what those best gifts are, that there are many gifts, and that the gifts are given “that all may be profited.” In a relational context, family members can help each other identify, appreciate, and nurture the spiritual gifts that the Lord has given to each family member. It is common for people not to be aware of their own spiritual gifts. Family members can be a great aid in helping each other recognize and develop spiritual gifts and share those with each other. In the next several verses (verses 13–29), the Lord lists many spiritual gifts, including knowledge, faith, wisdom, healing and being healed, miracles, prophecy, discerning of spirits, speaking with tongues, interpretation of tongues, and discerning all gifts.

Elder Bednar’s teaching that revelation is “scattered among us”[1] is consistent with the Lord’s teaching in section 46 that all have gifts but “to some is given one, and to some is given another” (verse 12). This suggests that each family who wants to enjoy more spiritual gifts should recognize, cultivate, and honor those diverse gifts that are “scattered among” or “given unto” different family members. It is important that parents don’t seek to direct their children in all things but rather seek to help them cultivate their spiritual gifts, encourage them to seek inspiration from the Lord, and honor their moral agency as they exercise their spiritual gifts.

Grandparents and Revelatory Experiences

Grandparents have a unique opportunity to help turn the hearts of their grandchildren to the Lord and to encourage and facilitate their grandchildren’s revelatory experiences. Most grandparents profoundly love and cherish their grandchildren. In turn, partly because most grandparents are not involved in the day-to-day monitoring and disciplining of their grandchildren, there often exists an especially close relational bond wherein grandchildren love, trust, and cherish their grandparents.

This bond allows grandparents to connect with their grandchildren on a deep level. Grandchildren love to hear their grandparents share stories from “the old days” and from their lives and adventures. This love opens doors for grandparents, as so inspired, to relate their sacred revelatory experiences with their grandchildren in ways that can profoundly influence them. Grandparents can share their stories of conversion, mission experiences, miracles in their lives (small and great ones), answered prayers, and the many ways the Lord has blessed them.

Grandparents who engage with their grandchildren about their spiritual and religious lives may be able to nurture their spiritual growth, answer (or encourage patience with) hard questions, provide the perspective of many decades of life, and provide a unique spiritual and religious resource that even the most devoted and loving parents might not be able to provide.

Grandparents often have more resources and more time (if not more energy) than parents and can make time to take grandchildren on religious “pilgrimages” to sacred religious places (such as temples or historical sites) and events (such as general conference). Grandchildren are likely to cherish and long remember such trips and events with their grandparents.

Grandparents can also take advantage of having more time and perspective to record their sacred revelatory experiences in writing, on audio or videotape, or in other creative ways. Until grandchildren are older, they may not be as interested in what their parents have to say or write but likely will be interested in records created by their beloved grandparents.

In addition, grandchildren can assist their grandparents in recording their sacred experiences by interviewing them about their lives—including their religious lives—and by helping them upload these interviews to FamilySearch or other online resources.

In sum, grandparents have an important and influential role in sharing and promoting revelatory experiences with the rising generation.

Building Zion and Revelatory Experiences

We can think of our families as core building blocks of a Zion society. Because the Lord strongly desires that we build up Zion,[2] it is likely that being engaged as families in the building of Zion will result in profound revelatory experiences. Elder D. Todd Christofferson taught:

Zion is Zion because of the character, attributes, and faithfulness of her citizens. Remember, “the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them” (Moses 7:18). If we would establish Zion in our homes, branches, wards, and stakes, we must rise to this standard. It will be necessary (1) to become unified in one heart and one mind; (2) to become, individually and collectively, a holy people; and (3) to care for the poor and needy with such effectiveness that we eliminate poverty among us. We cannot wait until Zion comes for these things to happen—Zion will come only as they happen.[3]

When we seek to faithfully facilitate revelatory experiences in our homes and families, we are more likely to grow in unity, holiness, and charity and thus are more likely to build Zion in our homes and broader communities. Similarly, if we strive to build Zion in our homes and families, we are more likely to be blessed with revelatory experiences that can assist us in our Zion-building efforts.

We are Latter-day Saints who are engaged in preparing ourselves, our children, and other loved ones for the Second Coming of the Lord Jesus Christ. The scriptures teach that the Second Coming will involve “the saints that are upon the earth” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:96) and “they who have slept in their graves” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:97) uniting with the Savior. Thus we can assume that family members from various generations will be with Christ as He begins His millennial reign on earth.

Revelatory Experiences in Family History and Temple Work

Families are close communities in which a relatively small number of people maintain close relationships, typically over the lifetime of the members. In the case of Latter-day Saint families, these communities also include ancestors now on the other side of the veil. That we do family history and work in sacred temples to bind family members together is clear evidence that our family communities transcend earthly and mortal boundaries. Many family members enjoy sacred revelatory experiences while doing family history and temple work, so families who do this work together will likely be able to enjoy sharing more profound revelatory experiences. Families are also sacred communities in which sacred meanings, sacred activities, sacred work, sacred sacrifices, and sacred relationships are part and parcel of family life.

Of the two authors of this book, Dave is an adult convert to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and has had the marvelous blessing of being involved in family history and temple work for several members of his family that he personally knew and loved. Dave and his wife, Mary, served as proxies for Dave’s grandparents and parents in the temple. About a year after Dave’s sister Lana passed away, Dave and Mary went to the temple with two of their children, Camilla and Jonathan, to do the work for Lana. Lana was nine years older than Dave, and Camilla is about nine years older than Jonathan. Jonathan baptized and confirmed Camilla, who was acting on behalf of Lana, and Dave felt a strong sense that Lana was present and appreciative during the confirmation. Shared sacred experiences such as these might well be called shared revelatory experiences.

Councils and Relational Revelatory Experiences

For decades, Elder M. Russell Ballard, among other leaders, has emphasized the importance of stake, ward, and family councils and has striven to elevate how the Saints meet and work together. Councils are used in communities of various sizes and purposes (for example, town councils, city councils, and ward councils). Any well-functioning community will have ways to share information and make important decisions, and councils facilitate this. But communities need more than decision-making bodies. They need ways to communicate and reinforce shared values and purposes, honor the past, honor achievement, celebrate meaningful events, work together, provide service to those in need, and have fun together.

People often think of decision-making when they think of councils, but a well-functioning council is about far more than decisions. Similarly, though it is wise to seek revelation during decision-making processes, revelation is about far more than decision-making. Many revelations and revelatory experiences (perhaps even most) shed light on identity, truth, vision, purpose, and relationships. A prime example of this is captured in the composition of the Doctrine and Covenants. In that book of revelations from the beginning of the Restoration, while some of the sections deal largely with decision-making (for example, sections 20, 84, and 107), many of the revelations are about giving Joseph and the early Saints additional light, truth, and knowledge about eternal things (for example, sections 45, 76, 88, 93, and 133).

If, as a part of regular couple and family councils or in home evenings, couples and families take time to discuss the importance of revelatory experiences and encourage each other in seeking, receiving, sharing, and recording personal, interpersonal, and shared revelatory experiences, these discussions likely will help encourage additional experiences in the future.

Sacred Matters: Who, What, Why, Where, and How

Just as there are many spiritual gifts, there are many kinds of revelatory experiences. The scriptural examples of people such as Adam and Eve, Enoch, Abraham, Moses, Lehi, Nephi, Alma, Enos, and Mary, the mother of Jesus, indicate that during revelatory experiences the Lord often opens new vistas, reveals eternal truths (particularly about the divine nature and destiny of the person receiving the revelatory experience), provides purpose and direction, pours out divine grace and mercy, and reveals the profound love that God has for that person and for all people.

Most of what the Lord desires to communicate to us in revelatory experiences can include matters around who, what, why, where, when, and how:

• “Who” matters might include who matters most (that is, God and Jesus), who God really is, who we really are, who our loved ones really are, and whom we might try to bless.
• “What” matters might include what matters most in this life; what we might do with our time, treasure, and talents; what we can do to commune with God; and what God would have us learn.
• “Why” matters might include why we are here, why God loves all His children, why we should seek to know the will of God, and why our marriage and family relationships matter so deeply.
• “Where” matters might include where we are going in this life, where we might find the truth and comfort we seek, where we might find the answers to our deepest and most troubling questions, and where we can turn for peace.
• “When” matters might include when to seek guidance, when to do various activities, when to best gather with loved ones, and when to express love and appreciation for others.
• “How” matters might include how we can relate to God, how we can relate to others, how we can be forgiven, how we can obtain comfort, how we can build strong relationships with others, how we might reconcile with others, how we can come to know God better, how we can live authentically in relation to others, how we can express love and appreciation for others, how we can lift the hands and strengthen the feeble knees of others (see Doctrine and Covenants 81:5), and how we can best serve the Lord and others.

When we approach God about a decision, we often want to know what He wants us to do. However, God has made it clear that He wants to honor our agency, to help us make decisions, and to encourage us to be anxiously engaged in good causes of our “own free will” (Doctrine and Covenants 58:28; see verses 27, 29). While He will frequently confirm our decisions or caution us, He does not want to make decisions for us. He does not want us to be puppets, trained animals, automatons, or slaves. We begin our spiritual journeys as His children and are His disciples and servants. However, based on the scriptures, it is clear that He desires to consider and call us His friends (see John 15:15; Doctrine and Covenants 84:77).

Faith, Hope, and Charity in Enjoying Revelatory Experiences

In Latter-day Saint Sunday meetings, when we speak about revelation, we understandably focus on the important role of faith. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel and is a primary principle of receiving revelation. Faith is also important in a home-centered approach to enjoying personal and interpersonal revelatory experiences. In addition, we suggest that when we are thinking, writing, and speaking with one another about how to enjoy personal and interpersonal revelatory experiences more often—especially about sharing revelatory experiences in our homes and families—it may be just as important to focus on the other two virtues that Paul discusses in 1 Corinthians 13: hope and charity.

Hope and Enjoying Revelatory Experiences

The Church’s online resource Gospel Topics has some wonderful and applicable ideas on the power of hope:

As we strive to live the gospel, we grow in our ability to “abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost” (Romans 15:13). We increase in hope as we pray and seek God’s forgiveness. . . .

The principle of hope extends into the eternities, but it also can sustain us through the everyday challenges of life. “Happy is he,” said the Psalmist, “that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God” (Psalm 146:5). With hope, we can find joy in life. We can “have patience, and bear with . . . afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions” (Alma 34:41). We can “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life” (2 Nephi 31:20).[4]

When “through the power of the Holy Ghost” we enjoy revelatory experiences, our hope increases until we “abound in hope,” which allows us to better “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ” in all we do. In the processes of sharing personal and interpersonal revelatory experiences in a family context, the importance of hope is magnified.

Charity and Enjoying Revelatory Experiences

Charity is an essential element in enjoying revelatory experiences in the home and family context. Paul stated that faith, hope, and charity all abound but that charity is the greatest of these three virtues (see 1 Corinthians 13:13). Charity, or “the pure love of Christ” (Moroni 7:47), is also the greatest virtue when we enjoy, experience, and share sacred and personal things with others. When love abounds during sacred family gatherings (for example, family prayer, family scripture study, and home evening), it is more likely that family members will feel the Holy Spirit and thus be more likely to enjoy personal and family revelatory experiences. When love abounds in marital and family relationships, then during marital and family conversations, it is more likely that spouses or family members will be willing to convey deeply personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences. When love abounds during family activities (for example, family chores, vacations, recreational activities, or board games), it is more likely that family members will feel the unity, joy, and safety that often are a prerequisite for relating deeply personal or sacred things with others.

When someone lets us onto their sacred ground by sharing something sacred or deeply personal, they are giving us a treasured gift. It is an act of love. Thus a person who is on the receiving end of a family member sharing something sacred or personal likely hopes to know how to best understand and how to best respond with love and kindness. Hope and love thus join with faith in encouraging sharing sacred revelatory experiences in homes and families.

Revelation in Family Relationships

One important consideration of revelatory experiences in marriages and families concerns timing and sharing. To what extent do people in couples or families receive the same message from the Lord at the same time? We are not aware of any research on this question, and we have not had extensive discussions about this question with many married Latter-day Saint couples. However, we both discussed this issue with our wives, Sandra and Mary. Our marriages may be different from others, but in about sixty-six years of combined marriage (more than twenty-six for Loren and Sandra; nearly forty for Dave and Mary), our experience is that it is exceedingly rare to obtain what might be called “synchronous revelation,” when both the wife and the husband receive the same clear revelation at the same time and in the same way. It has been far more frequent for one spouse to receive inspiration and then share it with the other spouse, who later receives confirmation (in his or her own time and own way), as illustrated in the following examples that our wives have approved for sharing.

Sandra and Loren’s Experience

In the summer of 2007, Sandra called me from several states away and said, “Are you sitting down? If not, you probably need to.”

“OK, I’m now planted on the couch,” I responded.

“Loren, I thought we were done having children, but I keep getting the overwhelming prompting that there is a little girl up there for us and that she will be named after her two great-grandmothers,” Sandra said.

After a period of mild shock that lasted somewhere between days and weeks, I felt a clear confirmation. Such experiences might be called “asynchronous revelation,” or the same directions but with different timing.

Our daughter Aliyah JodyMarie was born on June 10, 2008. Aliyah means “blessing,” while Jody and Marie are names borrowed from one maternal great-grandmother and one paternal great-grandmother. Over the years, we have been struck by how many of our dear friends and family members have had revelatory experiences (whether synchronous or asynchronous) regarding bringing children into the world, including Mary and Dave Dollahite.

Mary and Dave’s Experience

Mary and I also have had very few experiences with synchronous revelation in our married life. One of the few was about the birth of our seventh child. When we were first married, I asked Mary how many children she wanted to have. She said she did not have some number of children decided on ahead of time, and she expected they would come “one child at a time.” That is what our children did. When we had six children, we thought our family might be complete. Mary was forty years old and nursing child number six on demand. We were open to more children but not necessarily expecting to add another member to our family.

Then, several times, when we called the family together for prayer, the feeling that someone was missing was experienced simultaneously. At least two times this occurred when people other than immediate family were present. Those others voiced the feeling. Once when some dear family friends were visiting, we had all gathered in a circle for family prayer, and our friend Peg Lewis said it felt like someone was missing. Another time, not long after, it happened again when Mary’s sister Sarah was visiting. When all had gathered in a circle for family prayer, Sarah said it seemed like someone was missing. Both times we counted the children and found all accounted for. Both Mary and I felt like God was sending a strong message. Mary was almost forty-two when our last child was born.

Revelation Yields Life

As marvelous as revelation can be, it is not an “end”—it is a means. It is an essential part of the covenant path. In the two personal and familial stories we shared, revelatory experiences literally yielded life. Similarly, the ultimate purpose of revelatory experiences is to yield eternal life, or, phrased differently, to help us build eternal families through Christ.

As we discuss at the outset of the book and throughout it, faithfully studying the scriptures (for example, through the Come, Follow Me invitation) is vital not so that we can check the “been there, read that” box but because, as President Nelson has taught, faithful study is an ideal way to accentuate our ability to hear Jesus Christ.[5] In direct terms, faithful study of the words of both ancient and modern prophets promotes revelatory experiences, and revelatory experiences can help our families make it back to our eternal home.

In charting our course home, we must hold to the rod—including God’s commandments and our covenants. David A. Bednar raised two essential issues about receiving personal revelation:

It is vitally important to always remember that the Holy Ghost will NOT prompt an individual to violate sacred covenants and disobey God’s commandments.

The Spirit of the Lord will NOT prompt any person to think or act in a manner that is contrary to the doctrine and the authorized practices of the Savior’s restored Church as contained in the holy scriptures.[6]

Prodigal Children and Relational Reconciliation

In an online gospel study group that one of us participated in, many parents discussed an increasing sense of anxiety about their ability to teach their children the gospel in a way that would inoculate them against the many dangerous spiritual and philosophical viruses populating dominant culture and the internet. The internet has so many ideas, images, programs, and philosophies that are spiritually, psychologically, and relationally harmful that many parents feel as if they can be as diligent as possible in their parenting and still “lose their children to the world.” We both sympathize and empathize.

One mother and therapist has mentioned that based on her experience, she has come to believe that one vitally important skill for parents to develop is the willingness and ability to reconcile with and forgive their children. Nearly all Latter-day Saint parents will find that at least one of their children will at some point make choices that distance the child from God, the gospel, and the family. Like the forgiving father in the parable of the prodigal son (see Luke 15:11–32), such parents actively and patiently wait for their children to make any movement back home to God and family, then quickly forgive them and enthusiastically welcome them home.[7] Indeed, we believe that knowing how to best go about reconciling with children who have, in one way or another, turned away from their parents or their parents’ faith is among the most important of all parenting skills. It is also among perhaps the most complex and challenging skills—perhaps so challenging that it cannot be done well without hearing Him who would be the mender of all breaches through His “At-one-ment.”

We do not have simple, formulaic, or guaranteed advice except to strive to live basic gospel principles such as seeking and following the Spirit, being humble and kind, being patient and long-suffering, and following Moroni’s counsel about charity to “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love” (Moroni 7:48).

In other words, as we love and labor with our children who have distanced themselves from us and our beliefs and values, we should strive to be as our Heavenly Father and our Savior are with us. The essence of Their eternal work is to bear with us in our sins and help us reconcile ourselves to Them. In doing this, They have suffered for and with us, have sacrificed for us, and always stand with open arms and hearts to receive us when we move back to Them.

Questions to Encourage Contemplation and Conversation

1. What spiritual gifts have you and your family members received from the Lord, and how are you using those spiritual gifts?
2. Did your own grandparents share revelatory experiences with you? If you are a grandparent, how can you share revelatory experiences with your grandchildren?
3. How have your own revelatory experiences encouraged you to build Zion?
4. What revelatory experiences have you and your loved ones enjoyed from participating in family history and temple work?
5. How have you seen stake, ward, or family councils facilitate revelatory experiences?
6. What has been your experience with loved ones in terms of the timing of revelatory experiences? Have you and your loved ones enjoyed any synchronous revelations?
7. What are the main takeaway messages you have received from the Spirit as you have read this book?

Creating Opportunities for Revelatory Experiences (CORE)

1. What intentions do you have to enjoy personal revelatory experiences?
2. How can you and your loved ones encourage each other’s revelatory experiences?
3. What personal and relational activities might encourage your own revelatory experiences?

Notes

[1] David A. Bednar, The Spirit of Revelation (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2021), 57–60.

[2] See “Enrichment B: Establishing Zion,” in Doctrine and Covenants Student Manual (Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2002), 369–74.

[3] D. Todd Christofferson, “Come to Zion,” Ensign, November 2008, 38; emphasis added.

[4] Gospel Topics, “Hope,” topics.ChurchofJesusChrist.org.

[5] See Russell M. Nelson, “Hear Him,” Ensign, May 2020, 89–92.

[6] Bednar, Spirit of Revelation, 37; emphasis in original.

[7] See Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu, The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World (New York: HarperOne, 2014).