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As we discussed in the last chapter, personal study and worship provide pathways to joyful gospel living because when we worship God individually, we can receive revelatory experiences that provide “soul-to-soul” communication and conversion. The First Vision stands as a historic example that studying and pondering the scriptures and offering sincere prayers can open the heavens and yield personal revelatory experiences (“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God” [James 1:5]). Personal worship of our Heavenly Father, in and of itself, is a marvelous and essential part of our love and devotion to God and serves as a pathway to the prophetic purposes of “strengthening faith” and “deepening conversion.”[1] In many cases, faith and conversion come first in one’s own life, and then they can be shared in the lives of others. In other cases, shared revelatory experiences take place when members of a couple, a family, a class, a congregation, or the whole Church unitedly experience an outpouring of the Holy Spirit.

Jesus told Peter, “I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not; and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren” (Luke 22:32). In this single verse, we see a divinely endorsed pattern of conversion: (1) Jesus is fully converted; (2) His personal worship and prayer include praying to His Father for Peter’s conversion; (3) in the eternal cycle of true faith, Jesus’s vision is that a converted Peter will “strengthen [his] brethren” (individually and together); and (4) those converted brethren will then take the gospel to others (“Go ye therefore, and teach all nations” [Matthew 28:19]).

As we discussed extensively in chapters 1 and 2, this divine pattern was established in the very beginning in the premortal council and then with our first parents, Adam and Eve (see Moses 5:1–12; 6:55–62). It also was discussed and modeled repeatedly in the Book of Mormon (see 2 Nephi 25:23–26) and reiterated by the Lord in this dispensation (see Doctrine and Covenants 68:25; 93:40). We note that the Book of Mormon stresses the importance of parents writing about their own conversion and other sacred experiences. The clearest example of this is Nephi stating that “we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ” and that “we write . . . that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins” (2 Nephi 25:23, 26). This divine pattern also is exemplified in Alma the Younger (see Alma 36:17–18). In Alma’s case, a son remembered a father teaching him of the Savior, which led him to pray and make miraculous personal changes.

The vision is both simple and profound. We personally connect “vertically” with our Father and our Savior as the sources of light and truth. We then become infused with this light and truth, and then we “horizontally” help to bless others through sharing, living, and teaching the light and truth.[2] Following the example of the Lord’s servants in all dispensations, we can write about our sacred experiences in order to help our children know in whom we trust.[3] Per our previous discussion of the principle of lived invitation, our best efforts may stimulate a hunger in others to have their own personal connection to the Father and the Son and then hopefully to reach out and strengthen others.

If a deep relationship with a personal God “who is interested in us and who knows us and loves us and wants us to be in a relationship with Him”[4] is the beginning of a new kind of life, the second step is sharing that loving relationship with one’s family. In the example of our friends Jessica and Joseph Peterson, Jessica’s personal devotion to God spread to Joseph and eventually to their children.

We note the observation of leading family therapist and researcher William J. Doherty: “During the first six years of life, the template for later life is set down.”[5] This is a rare point of consensus among developmental psychologists—that the clay of our humanity seems to be especially malleable and formative during the early years. The Peterson family leveraged this reality and did their best to instill, model, and practice faith with their children during these years.

As the Peterson children reached the teen years, other youth would join them for scripture study and devotionals in their home. Being a musical family, they also integrated traditional, contemporary, and even self-composed music into their worship—which became a faith-promoting power in the lives of many. Jessica said:

There’s nothing more rewarding than helping someone to . . . grow close to the Lord and change to be more like Him. . . . When you are teaching about the Lord and [about] how you feel about God, that’s forever. This life is short . . . but when you teach someone . . . how to have God in their life . . . I can’t think of a better way to say it than “It’s forever.”

For Jessica’s husband, Joseph, the progression from ungodly and addictive habits to a place of profound relationship with Christ was a walk of faith. Near the end of his interview, Joseph said,

I ��Dz�’t know where I’d be without [Jesus]. Well, I do know where I’d be without Him. . . . I’d probably be dead or insane or addicted. . . . I’d be a mess.

If [my relationship with God] wasn’t there, I wouldn’t know who I was. I would be ungrounded, I wouldn’t be me without Christ in me. . . . The whole way I construct my understanding of who I am is based in my relationship to God. Really, without that I ��Dz�’t know who I am. . . . In relation to Him, I’m His child. I’ve been adopted. I’m His heir, I’m His brother, I’m His friend, I’m His servant, I’m His helper.

Joseph would later shift his discussion from the personal to the familial and explain, “As a family [our] hearts are pointed together toward the same thing, and it’s God.” From Joseph and Jessica, we learn the following:

1. Unified family worship can be enriched by welcoming and strengthening others.
2. We can creatively integrate family strengths into our family worship—for example, music, serving others, hospitality, or food.
3. Joyful, uplifting, home-centered worship is positive, but “when you [also get to] teach someone . . . how to have God in their life,” that is an even more beautiful thing.

Would Jessica and Joseph be comfortable being held up as an ideal model of both personal and family worship? No. But when President Nelson urged us toward Spirit-filled, home-centered worship that would “unleash the power of families”[6] and bring remarkable blessings, we thought of families like the Petersons because they show us that these promised blessings can be a reality.

For many members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Joseph’s reference to “hearts pointed together toward . . . God” may call to mind similar directions from Alma to the Church of Christ (circa 147 BC) as they gathered together beside the Waters of Mormon. In the Book of Mormon, we read that Alma “commanded [the Church] that there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another” (Mosiah 18:21).

In 3 Nephi 18:21, Jesus Himself provided and emphasized a pathway to these blessings: “Pray in your families unto the Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed.” Along with our friend and colleague Joe Chelladurai, a Saint from India, we published a social science study examining the reported influence of family prayer among 198 diverse American families of faith. Key findings were as follows:

Theme 1: Family prayer [is] a time of family togetherness and interaction

Participants indicated that family prayer was a time of worship, as well as a time of interaction. As they removed distractions and set aside time to disconnect from the rest of the world, they were able to connect with God and each other.

Theme 2: Family prayer [is] a space for social support

Families in the study identify prayer as a place for them to “go to God” to “draw strength” and “comfort and encourage each other.” Prayer can also be a time for families to share and process personal challenges. It is a powerful arena for providing and receiving social support.

Theme 3: Family prayer [is] a means for intergenerational transmission of religion

Family prayer is one way to develop a “sense of ritual” as parents teach their children about religion and faith. As children learn to pray through their parents’ example, a flow of religious direction and communication occurs.

Theme 4: Family prayer involves issues and concerns of individuals and the family

Not only is prayer an opportunity to speak to God, it is also a time for families to disclose details of their day. Whether it is addressing a concern or an opportunity to pray in behalf of others, prayer becomes a “time and space” to share feelings and thoughts.

Theme 5: Family prayer helps reduce relational tensions

For participants[,] praying together as a family brought a “balancing” effect to their relationships.

Theme 6: Family prayer provides feelings of connectedness, unity and bonding

The physical and spiritual aspects of family prayer—holding hands and coming together as a family “praying as one”—bring a spiritual connection, unity and bonding.[7]

If family prayer alone can yield benefits and blessings like these, it is encouraging to contemplate what family prayer combined with gospel learning and study might facilitate. Certainly, family worship can provide a pathway to unity, love, and joyful gospel living because, as the Savior taught, “Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them” (Matthew 18:20).

Some Notes on Painful Reality

Some readers may fairly say, “This is all very idealistic. Can we talk about the daily, difficult, and sometimes dark reality that seems to pervade our attempts at family worship?” From our interviews with families of faith and from our own family lives, we are acutely aware of how difficult it can be to establish and maintain regular, meaningful, and joyful family religious activities.

The exemplary families we interviewed (across diverse faiths) were often transparent in discussing their own struggles related to gathering their families for home-based worship. For many of us, such reports are all too familiar. Indeed, an additional finding from our study on family prayer was that “families struggle to pray together when there is disunity.”[8] This finding draws attention to the importance of asking for, seeking, and offering forgiveness frequently within families—and also emphasizes patience with each other.

Many years ago, Loren was speaking with one of the benevolent grandfathers of the field of family studies, Wes Burr. Loren said with some exasperation, “I recently told my children that like Martin Luther King Jr., I too have a dream. My dream is that one blessed night, I will call my five children for scripture study and family prayer . . . and they will come! Not a word of whining or complaining from them—and no nagging and wheedling from me. . . . They will all just come.”

After a chuckle, Wes said, “Loren, ��Dz�’t forget that the way you gather your family may be as important as the scripture study or prayer itself.” This is counsel worth remembering.

The perennial question remains, however: Is it worth the struggle? A short while ago, we wrote about this issue for a broad audience in the Atlantic and concluded with the following hope:

Ultimately, what seems to matter most about family home evening is not the specific rituals, but that there are rituals at all—that a family decides to set aside a specific time of the week to gather and have a meaningful experience together. Is there perfection in such a family ritual? Never. Is there some effort, hassle, friction, and chaos? Almost always. But is there sometimes a spark of transcendent magic? In truth, it’s rare. But the next family home evening might just be one of those nights.[9]

In the words of our friend and colleague Heather Howell Kelley, a young Latter-day Saint wife and mother, family worship can be beautiful and effective, “not every time, but over time.”[10]

Rebecca (a Jewish mother of three) expressed concerns about the hassles of family worship in richer context:

We do the same rituals for our holidays and all our Sabbath activities, and, you know, a lot of times we have to nag the kids and pull them into things, but if we ��Dz�’t do something or if something is missed or if we say, “We are not going to do Shabbat,” they say [with animation], “What do you mean we’re not doing it!?” . . . They’ll get mad that we ��Dz�’t do it. They’re upset because life is not the way it usually is. They get upset if we ��Dz�’t hallow [the Sabbath]. It’s very interesting. Sometimes they act like we are annoying them by dragging them through the ritual, but if we ��Dz�’t have it there for them, they get upset by it. . . . The religion provides a lot of strength and comfort and structure.

Patricia, a member of our own faith, told us the following about her family worship:

When our children were very young, we used to think, “Why are we doing this? This is crazy. They are not listening to a word.” And now, as adults, they will come back and say, “Family home evening was so wonderful!” [Laughs.] You ��Dz�’t realize the impact a lot of things have when you are doing them. . . . They used to fight us tooth and toenail . . . and now the one who fought us the hardest will do anything to be there. It’s payday—you just have to hang in there.

William J. Doherty wrote a book called The Intentional Family to emphasize the importance of “intentional” (conscious and planned) family rituals and traditions to help families resist challenges that weaken them.[11] In our interviews, we have found that in relational, structural, emotional, and spiritual ways, religious family practices and shared worship seem to offer many families a stronger sense of family belonging, identity, and security in a rapid-paced world that often rides roughshod over our more sensitive needs—including our hunger for meaning and our need for deep connection with both heaven and with one another. The following lists provide a summary of our findings.[12]

What are the elements of family worship or rituals? What do families actually do?

• They set a given weekly time apart as sacred (for example, Sunday afternoon or Monday evening).
• They pray together.
• They eat together (for example, meals, dessert, or treats).
• They sing sacred (but often lively and fun) music together.
• They study sacred texts together.
• They participate in recreational activities, “breathe,” and play together.

What elements of family worship or rituals are transferrable to virtually all families?

• A set time.
• A set place.
• A “set” table (that is, eating together).
• A deep, meaningful, shared sacred purpose.
• A focus on relationships and healthy, uplifting family processes.
• Intentionality.

What are some best practices?[13]

• Seeking and promoting unity through buy-in and consensus for the family practice.
• Avoiding a preachy, heavily parent-directed approach to the practice.
• Seeking to engage all family members as contributors and cocreators instead of only as consumers.
• Focusing on authentic dialogue and conversation across generations and family members.
• Seeking the counsel of children and youth about how to best adapt practices across time.
• Maintaining balance between structure/consistency and adaptability/flexibility.
• Inviting other people or families to occasionally join in and share the sacred family practice.
• Helping the family look outside itself by finding other families to voluntarily serve.
• Remembering that the processes involved in gathering the family matter as much as the practice.

What are the frequently mentioned challenges and obstacles to family worship or rituals?

• It takes time—time for the practice, time for preparation, time for organization.
• Relentless effort and energy are required. (“It is hard.”)
• There are recurring scheduling conflicts with outside entities (for example, school, work, or activities).
• Despite the family’s efforts to seek unity, there is often internal resistance from children.
• When children are young, it is difficult to maintain order and to prevent chaos and meltdowns.
• With teenagers, it is often difficult to prevent apathy and to promote engagement.

How do family processes interrelate and intersect with family worship or rituals?

• Personal and familial identity are strengthened. (Who am I? Who are we?)
• Positive cohesion and unity are promoted. (“It brings us together.”)
• Stability is maintained or restored (for example, through problem solving).
• Structure, predictability, and boundaries are established.
• Dialogic communication is enhanced. (“We can talk.”)

Why are family worship or rituals reportedly worth it?

• “It helps keep our marriage close and keeps us on the same page.”
• “It helps me feel close to my children.”
• “It reminds us of what matters.”
• “It keeps God at the center.”

Along with several other family researchers, we have published reports containing social scientific evidence of a unifying power in family worship and ritual. We stand by these findings and continue to add to them in our current research efforts with bright and capable BYU students and colleagues from various faiths and universities. With all this said, we have been struck by a careful reading of the prophetic words surrounding the call for home-centered worship and the urgency surrounding Come, Follow Me. There is a message that exceeds the typical “family strengthening” that accompanies family rituals. Elder David A. Bednar emphasized:

Our commitment to learn and live according to truth is increasingly important in a world that is “in commotion” [Doctrine and Covenants 45:26] and is ever more confused and wicked. We cannot expect simply to attend Church meetings and participate in programs and thereby receive all of the spiritual edification and protection that will enable us “to withstand in the evil day” [Ephesians 6:13].[14]

As we have discussed throughout this book (see especially chapters 1 and 2), emphasis on worship and learning in the home is not new. Decades ago, President Harold B. Lee taught, “The most important of the Lord’s work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own homes,”[15] and Elder Neal A. Maxwell similarly observed that “the home is usually the place where most of our faith is established and increased, for there we witness the examples of righteous parents as we work out our salvation in a setting that requires love, forgiveness, patience, and all the other virtues. . . . [Our homes] should be a prep school for the celestial kingdom.”[16]

Returning to Elder Bednar, we note his emphasis that “our homes are the ultimate setting for learning, living, and becoming.”[17] We now share with you the insights of some of the more than five hundred Latter-day Saints who shared their early experiences with following the Savior’s invitation to “come, follow me” (Luke 18:22) through home-centered family worship.

Some Real Challenges

First, we begin with some challenges mentioned by mothers with diverse home situations, all of whom have children at home:

“[One challenge is] the responsibility of yet another thing I have to do as a wife and mother.”

“It can be difficult to teach to a large age range of children at the same time so all understand.”

“[One challenge is] avoiding the temptation to make it into a ‘production.’”

“[It is a challenge] to use it with very young children and finding time to do it, since I am a single mother.”

“It’s been really hard for me, because my kids keep me busy all day, every day, [and] my husband is not a member. I can’t seem to find the time to study.”

One young mother with four children under the age of eight addressed her Come, Follow Me challenges in a talk at a stake conference we attended. She explained that her family does five minutes of study a day. Any more time than that and things get “crazy.” She concluded, “It’s not an hour, but I think the Lord understands.” This young mother’s words capture a reality about family gospel study: zero minutes is literally nothing. Conversely, going too long may bring mutiny and chaos. Five minutes a day is a “small thing” that can make a big difference.

Fathers reported their share of challenges as well:

“The biggest challenge early on was trying to figure out the best way to go through all the material without it being too bloated and long for our young children.”

“I feel very overwhelmed by everything I have to do already.”

“The amount of reading can be quite daunting some weeks. Getting my family to be excited about the program and being willing to actually do it have been hit and miss at best.”

“[It is a real challenge] getting the whole family together for that additional hour of study.”

“[What has been a challenge to me is] accepting the teaching and learnings as my own responsibility.”

“We really can’t dwell on gospel matters more than five or ten minutes. The children (teenagers) will lose interest or feel captive if we go too long; they will refuse to participate in the future if they feel overwhelmed by this.”

We note the similarity between the last father’s quote (five or ten minutes) and the quote from the young mother of four referenced earlier (five minutes). A little time is far better than no time, for as Alma taught, “By small and simple things are great things brought to pass” (Alma 37:6).

Even so, “small things” can involve large challenges. While the above discussions of challenges by mothers and fathers are verbatim, there were many other mentioned challenges that we will visit only briefly and in summary.

Families’ Greatest Challenges to Home-Centered Gospel Learning

Overall, we observed four recurring themes regarding reported challenges to engaging in home-based learning and worship:

1. There is never enough time.
2. There are different levels of involvement and motivation within the family.
3. It is a challenge to get through the material.
4. It is difficult to teach different-aged children and keep everyone engaged.

In addition to home-centered challenges, some parents mentioned challenges related to heavily scheduled Sundays at the ward or branch level. One parent said, “Sometimes a busy Sunday can displace our family discussion.”

It is comforting to remember that the “solemn responsibility” and “sacred duty” to rear children in love and righteousness, as taught by prophets in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” are buttressed by the divinely inspired guidance “In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”[18] Equal partnership, or what the scriptures call being “equally yoked” (see 2 Corinthians 6:14), is a divinely inspired doctrine of relational joy, peace, and power. We hope that mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, will work together as equal partners so they can jointly claim prophetically promised blessings. The psychiatrist and Jewish luminary Viktor Frankl said, “If architects want to strengthen a decrepit arch, they increase the load which is laid upon it, for thereby the parts are joined more firmly together. . . . What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for a worthwhile goal, a freely chosen task.”[19]

By joining “firmly together” while under pressure or going through challenges, our marriages and families can bear significant weight without collapsing. Our own research indicates that one key difference between weak or failed marriages and strong, enduring marriages is that in the latter, the husband and wife join “more firmly together” when the responsibilities of life come (including family religious practice) instead of moving away from each other.

Now that we have discussed in this chapter several concerns and challenges that may impede family-level efforts to having home-centered worship, the next chapter presents several reported successes that Latter-day Saints shared in the hope that they would provide encouragement and inspiration for the rest of us.

Questions to Encourage Contemplation and Conversation

1. What scriptural examples can you identify of parents teaching their children the plan of happiness and the Savior’s central role in the plan?
2. Jesus told Peter, “I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren” (Luke 22:32). How does this divine pattern translate to our own personal and family learning and worship?
3. In the Peterson family, we saw that “unified family worship can be enriched by welcoming and strengthening others.” Whom might you invite to occasionally (or even consistently) join your family for home-centered gospel study in ways that could bless his or her life? Are there creative, technology-assisted ways you can involve others at a distance?
4. Are there ways that your family can creatively integrate personal or family strengths into your family worship, such as music, hospitality, acting, storytelling, service, or food?
5. We noted several benefits of family prayer. Are there benefits that you have seen in your own family? How can adding family gospel learning to family prayer bless your family members?
6. The latter part of the chapter shares challenges mentioned by both wives and husbands in implementing Come, Follow Me. How can we face challenges together in ways that embody the family proclamation’s ideal of equal partnership?

Creating Opportunities for Revelatory Experiences (CORE)

1. What intentions do you have to enjoy personal revelatory experiences?
2. How can you and your loved ones encourage each other’s revelatory experiences?
3. What personal and relational activities might encourage your own revelatory experiences?

Notes

[1] Quentin L. Cook, “Deep and Lasting Conversion to Heavenly Father and the Lord Jesus Christ,” Ensign, November 2018, 9.

[2] Enos’s prayer and progression of concern in the Book of Mormon reflect a similar pattern (see Enos 1:1–27).

[3] See David C. Dollahite, God’s Tender Mercies: Sacred Experiences of a Mormon Convert (Salt Lake City: By Common Consent Press, 2018). The entire book provides many examples of writing about conversion and sacred experiences for the benefit of one’s children and includes an appendix sharing ideas for how to write one’s sacred experiences for one’s posterity.

[4] These words from an anonymous Christian mother were quoted in chapter 2.

[5] William J. Doherty, Take Back Your Kids: Confident Parenting in Turbulent Times (Notre Dame, IN: Sorin Books, 2000), 43.

[6] Russell M. Nelson, “Becoming Exemplary Latter-day Saints,” Ensign, November 2018, 114.

[7] Direct excerpts are from Marianne Holman Prescott, “‘The Family That Prays Together Stays Together’ Is More Than a Saying, BYU Research Finds,” Church News, July 27, 2018, . For the full journal article, see Joe M. Chelladurai, David C. Dollahite, and Loren D. Marks, “‘The Family That Prays Together . . .’: Relational Processes Associated with Regular Family Prayer,” Journal of Family Psychology 32, no. 7 (2018): 849–59. For a shorter, reader-friendly version of the findings, see Loren Marks, David C. Dollahite, and Joe Chelladurai, “Family Prayer: A Sacred Time and a Sacred Space—Findings from a National Study,” Meridian, March 24, 2019, .

[8] Prescott, “Family That Prays Together.”

[9] David C. Dollahite and Loren Marks, “Mormons’ Weekly Family Ritual Is an Antidote to Fast-Paced Living,” Atlantic, March 29, 2018, .

[10] Heather Howell Kelley, email message, October 2020.

[11] William J. Doherty, The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties (New York: HarperCollins, 1999).

[12] We have repeatedly observed the power of rituals and shared sacred practices in the exemplary families of faith that we have interviewed, and we chose to include an adapted version of our key findings in the following lists. These lists are adapted from Loren D. Marks and David C. Dollahite, “‘Don’t Forget Home’: The Importance of Sacred Ritual in Families,” in Understanding Religious Rituals, ed. John P. Hoffman (New York: Routledge, 2012), 186–203.

[13] By “best practices,” we mean those practices that seemed to work well for the families that we interviewed.

[14] David A. Bednar, “Prepared to Obtain Every Needful Thing,” Ensign, May 2019, 102.

[15] Harold B. Lee, Strengthening the Home (Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1973), 7.

[16] Quoted in Cory H. Maxwell, ed., The Neal A. Maxwell Quote Book (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1997), 159.

[17] Bednar, “Prepared to Obtain,” 102.

[18] “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” ChurchofJesusChrist.org.

[19] Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning (Boston: Beacon Press, 2006), 105.